I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
