Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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