Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The air taste purple.
Randomize
