i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
