Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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