Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
