Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
