dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
