so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
