I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
