no, he came in my armpit
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
