What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize