you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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