do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
