apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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