Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
