Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
