my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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