Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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