proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
