Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
