I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
