He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
