i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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