so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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