i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
