I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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