I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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