I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
