I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
