i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
