He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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