You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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