Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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