Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
