I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
