We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
