I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
