I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
