Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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