my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize