I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
