check it out our google latitudes are spooning
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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