peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
