I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
