if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Text me some of your sweat
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
