And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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