I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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