I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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