That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
