just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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