Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
