You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
