we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
