Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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