Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
