woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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