She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
