'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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