I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
