Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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